Watch me freestyle!
Olympians,
Quick update today for a snap event!
Index:
InviteJust Finished
Invite: Canoeing/Kayaking: Canoe Freestyle
Join us at 8am this morning at Pasture Canyon Reservoir in Tuba City for 2026's first in-person event on the rez! We'll be competing in the age old art of Canoe Dancing. Routines must be 287 seconds long +-2 seconds. Points will be awarded for smoothness, most spins, direction changes, false turtling, turtling, rolling, paddle whacking, fish caught, and song selection. Judges will be Zooming in for the live action from around the world and beyond. Here are the five: Our Olympics' athlete with the most appearances without a gold medal, Artski. High school champion freestyle canoeist, Jane Oski. Huge Our Olympics fan and underwriter, Snoop Dogg. Coming at your from the Tiangong Space Station (making Our Games reach beyond the globe), Zhang Hongzhang. And our fifth and final judge, Marc Ornstein. Here's a video primer to get you pumped up for tonight's event.
Just Finished: Athletics: 50km Racewalk
It was a marathon indeed, a marathon of patience. Our racers lined up this past Saturday on the corner of Main and 1st in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota to contest the longest event ever scrapped from the Olympics: the 50km Racewalk. Racewalking gets a lot of flack, but our know-nothing competitors strove to give it the old college try. Just a few k in, Yarnall was hitting his stride, pulling away from the peloton with the skills he learned from a semester of mentorship under Jefferson Pérez, OG Ecuadorian Olympian. Arnosky was a little back, having only spent a weekend under Pérez' tutelage. The main pack padded along at a blistering pace, well at least in a blistering motion for their feet. Upon reaching the first aid station, Holve ran off the course, saying he'd never walk again. Trailing in the back, Nigon was playing the long game and wistfully explaining his tortoise-and-hare strategy when his patella subsided and his chances of finishing did, too. Sexauer, Sexauer, Arnold, Arnold, Sexauer, and Peterson continually traded places from deep in the peloton. Speed bumps were rolled over, pot holes were dodged. Cars were thrown off the road by their drivers in astonishment as the athletes marched by, bewildered by the movements of their feet, or how so many people had to walk the line for a DUI at the same time. As night began to fall, the walkers pressed on, despite haggard hamstrings and quitting quads. Nigon and Peterson both looked like they were going to lose their breakfasts. Only Friedman was left with a smile on night two, and was quoted saying he was still "so happy to be here". In the end it came down to a Yarnall/Arnosky photo finish, but they realized it was not for the gold! A few aid stations back they had accidentally chucked their sweat sponges right through a flight of pickle juice and into the laps of scowling volunteers. As they strode on, furtively looking over their shoulders in apology, Thoroyan worked her way past on the outside and out of sight, giving her an unbeatable and unbeknownst-to-them lead. But that was before Yazzie entered the competition hours after the rest had started the race. No matter, the rest were passed systematically and speedily by Yazzie who said, "I was just on my way home from the gym". So how did Our walkers stand up against the best from Tokyo, 2021? See below:
4h 53m 09s Claudio Villanueva of Ecuador, Worst Finisher in Tokyo 2020
6h 7m 67s Yazzie
18h 27m 27s Thoroyan
20h 15m 10.2s Yarnall
20h 15m 10.3s Arnosky
1d 12h 42m 09s Peterson
1d 12h 45m 11s Ross
1d 13h 46m 1s Richards
2d 4h 47m 30s Nigon
2d 4h 48m 55s Arnold
2d 4h 48m 57s Sexauer
2d 4h 48m 58s Arnold
2d 5h 1m 3s Sexauer
2d 5h 10m 43s Sexauer
2d 8h 40m 17s Friedman
DNF Nigon
DNF Holve
DNS Hu
DNC (Did not care) Sexauer
See you next April 1st!
-Gustave
Commissioner, Our Olympics
Olympians,
Quick update today for a snap event!
Index:
InviteJust Finished
Invite: Canoeing/Kayaking: Canoe Freestyle
Join us at 8am this morning at Pasture Canyon Reservoir in Tuba City for 2026's first in-person event on the rez! We'll be competing in the age old art of Canoe Dancing. Routines must be 287 seconds long +-2 seconds. Points will be awarded for smoothness, most spins, direction changes, false turtling, turtling, rolling, paddle whacking, fish caught, and song selection. Judges will be Zooming in for the live action from around the world and beyond. Here are the five: Our Olympics' athlete with the most appearances without a gold medal, Artski. High school champion freestyle canoeist, Jane Oski. Huge Our Olympics fan and underwriter, Snoop Dogg. Coming at your from the Tiangong Space Station (making Our Games reach beyond the globe), Zhang Hongzhang. And our fifth and final judge, Marc Ornstein. Here's a video primer to get you pumped up for tonight's event.
Just Finished: Athletics: 50km Racewalk
It was a marathon indeed, a marathon of patience. Our racers lined up this past Saturday on the corner of Main and 1st in Lake Wobegon, Minnesota to contest the longest event ever scrapped from the Olympics: the 50km Racewalk. Racewalking gets a lot of flack, but our know-nothing competitors strove to give it the old college try. Just a few k in, Yarnall was hitting his stride, pulling away from the peloton with the skills he learned from a semester of mentorship under Jefferson Pérez, OG Ecuadorian Olympian. Arnosky was a little back, having only spent a weekend under Pérez' tutelage. The main pack padded along at a blistering pace, well at least in a blistering motion for their feet. Upon reaching the first aid station, Holve ran off the course, saying he'd never walk again. Trailing in the back, Nigon was playing the long game and wistfully explaining his tortoise-and-hare strategy when his patella subsided and his chances of finishing did, too. Sexauer, Sexauer, Arnold, Arnold, Sexauer, and Peterson continually traded places from deep in the peloton. Speed bumps were rolled over, pot holes were dodged. Cars were thrown off the road by their drivers in astonishment as the athletes marched by, bewildered by the movements of their feet, or how so many people had to walk the line for a DUI at the same time. As night began to fall, the walkers pressed on, despite haggard hamstrings and quitting quads. Nigon and Peterson both looked like they were going to lose their breakfasts. Only Friedman was left with a smile on night two, and was quoted saying he was still "so happy to be here". In the end it came down to a Yarnall/Arnosky photo finish, but they realized it was not for the gold! A few aid stations back they had accidentally chucked their sweat sponges right through a flight of pickle juice and into the laps of scowling volunteers. As they strode on, furtively looking over their shoulders in apology, Thoroyan worked her way past on the outside and out of sight, giving her an unbeatable and unbeknownst-to-them lead. But that was before Yazzie entered the competition hours after the rest had started the race. No matter, the rest were passed systematically and speedily by Yazzie who said, "I was just on my way home from the gym". So how did Our walkers stand up against the best from Tokyo, 2021? See below:
4h 53m 09s Claudio Villanueva of Ecuador, Worst Finisher in Tokyo 2020
6h 7m 67s Yazzie
18h 27m 27s Thoroyan
20h 15m 10.2s Yarnall
20h 15m 10.3s Arnosky
1d 12h 42m 09s Peterson
1d 12h 45m 11s Ross
1d 13h 46m 1s Richards
2d 4h 47m 30s Nigon
2d 4h 48m 55s Arnold
2d 4h 48m 57s Sexauer
2d 4h 48m 58s Arnold
2d 5h 1m 3s Sexauer
2d 5h 10m 43s Sexauer
2d 8h 40m 17s Friedman
DNF Nigon
DNF Holve
DNS Hu
DNC (Did not care) Sexauer
See you next April 1st!
-Gustave
Commissioner, Our Olympics
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